I think it is the first day of Spring, yesterday, the day before???? It seems to have al element of surprise, this season, as I paint with such energy.  I have made the decision of ignore the past, even the past of yesterday, to not waste a moment more thinking about actions that are gone, whispers in the air that can no longer have influence on the present moment. All days are new, all hours, all moments. It is difficult at first to reject all thoughts of another time, but I force myself to close the chapter, maybe imagine invisible ink that wrote it. I am new each moment. The steps forward are hesitant, as i have no reference (by choice) to define them, but I step just the same as a new person, in a new time-open to anything, and not wasting time on any activity or person who does not spark my mind, or make my presence hold that electricty that inspires or propels me forward.

And, the new year begins with a spinning dance! My passion for abstract painting is going to lead my efforts, while I explore the layers of existence through instinct and music, and report what i find with paint on canvas. Sometimes relaxing, sometimes distrubing, my quest to always be authentic (at least with myself), continues.  I am amazed at how much I hide from myself, the memories I remember, those hidden so far back in. Without a mind shovel and dirt to cover, I find that I have to face them and flow through, or purposely file them away, in order to exist. My attempts at ignoring painful times only place shadows in my thinking and alter the way I express myself. As the control freak that I am, I will not have "me" interrupting the natural flow of "me."
   It is good to be real. I seem to be collecting a smaller group of friends, but a group that are living open without masks. My outspoken mouth has dissuaded many from further involvement, but being the hermit that i am, the strong ones, the real ones, remain and understand and accept me.  I love my life today, and look forward to the physical manifestation of my internal images onto canvas.

Here I am with cold feet (because a mouse family chewed up the installation in the floor, last year), and a hot head (thinking too much about people who "herd" too much and don't think for themselves, or do, but are afraid to express their thoughts, because they feel rejection). My problem has mostly been, always been, not keeping my thoughts safely behind the bars in my mind. Oh! that is the problem, I don't have any bars, or filters, and say whatever rolls to the front. I really need to get those paints soon and start painting again! My new series of large abstracts, still has "one."  since I am the artists, and I have no boundries, no rules, no schedules, I suppose that all is as it should be.  With that in mind, I am gonna go put on some wool socks, get out the sketch book, and draw while I watch a film on t.v.  Below is my little painting, "Spiritual Confusion 3X5" actual work, acrylic on illustration board.  Life is good, but I sure do miss having a studio.....

Will the phase of not working end?  I am lost without my creations being produced. Every thing seems scattered.

happy everyday, even whe it is a struggle,  i paint in the way i am experiencing the world, at the moment.  sometimes my work is realism, the beach boardwalks that offer me visual escape and peace.  other times i am painting from a reference of emotions that i express in abstract.  then there are the illustration paintings, many times visions seen in dreams, or my own imaginations while hearing music, or listening to the heart beat of the earth.
    each work is an original. i don't make copies, because i feel that a purchased work is a personal decision for the buyer, and that the one, should be the only.
    i have many more paintings and drawings in me.  after all, i contain multitudes

Thinking about how many times i think too much, and listen too little to the world's turning.  
 
I have these two birds that scream at me when they want me to sing to them.  I have no trouble listening to them, but when I leave the room and enter the space where roads combine, and people navigate, it is like my mind shuts off to all, but my own thoughts.
Today I almost finished a painting, I almost threw it away.  I stopped and took a breath and waited.  There were cars below, on Main Street, the sounds of children somewhere, probably the park, and a bird singing.  It didn't need my notes, for it was free.  I want to feel free again, and I will, as soon as the next painting is started and the night is mine.

I am presently working on a large canvas, 4X6', and I am loving the size and thinking I will do a series of larger works.
 
     It has been a busy month for me, not only with my studio time and painting, but "people wise."  Never a person who has liked to have a lot of company, or relationships, I had felt that I had come to know a selected few, those who I called friend.   I have recently realized that I have been fooled, and that I have not really known them at all, only the constructed exterior personalities that were presented to me.  I had collected a small group of performance friends, and I was the audience..
      I am not dependent on relationships to complete or validate myself (with the exception of my husband, daughter and our granddaughter who I adore and who are a part of my existence-like my heart), so I have been redefining some relationships, rejecting others, and reviewing my life's purpose and priorities.  When I am not engaged in the painting and creating process, I am writing.  I still only have five thousand words into my novel, and my character is, for two months now, sitting on the floor and waiting in an empty apartment.    
     What I do need are the thoughts from those  who possess knowledge that I don't (which is a large amount).  I enjoy the company of the "idea," people who open mind doors for me to explore and research.  I appreciate the paintings or photographs of various artists that become catalysts for my thinking.  I imagine a network of ideas already existing in my mind, roadway threads, that lead to  concealed mental doors.  These doors are also unlocked by visual experience as well as verbal communication.  And, of course,  there is always the activity of watching people while I take a break to have a glass of wine on a sidewalk cafe in Historic Norcross.  I have the benifit of having many restaurants within walkin distance of my studio. 
    This day begins with the updating of my web site, as well as preparation of a list of paintings that I will have on exhibit at Chocolate Perks, in Historic Duluth for the month of September.   I presently have two paintings on exhibit at the Defoor Center in Atlanta, and one on exhibit in the Binder's Limelight Gallery in Buckhead.  "The Nest,"  17 College Ave (next to the community center in Historic Norcorss),  has work in the gallery downstairs and also holds new pieces in a second floor space, my studio.  Please stop by and visit, Tues-Sat. from 10:00 to 5:00.  I am there most days, unless I have painted the night before, late into the wonderful dark, when the world is quite and all mine.
   

I love dusk, when the day and night mate and create magical colors and feelings.  I am most aware at that time and would like to have my day begin then, but the world doesn't run on my  schedule, so I adjust as much as I can.  When I am totally stressed, i excercise.  Zumba is my excercise of choice, because the rythum makes me move whether or not I think I have the energy.
 
I have a plan for 120 years, and if I can keep my body strong, I will be there and by that time have my novel completed, my hair back down to my waist, and big muscles all over my body. 

God remains my constant companion, but as the world changes, I have questions about some beliefs that religions "shout about."  God and I will work it out, and I am always researching the bible in all languages, and reading it in the context of the time that each book was written.  I am weary of all the anti gay uproar, and wonder at the hate I see in Christians, as well as the gossip and judgements.  These are clearly not acceptable to my God, and I think that alot of people will be surprised when death takes them to their permanate home.

It is Monday, June 25th.  Here I sit, wide awake.  I have been in the studio every morning for a week completing two new paintings and thinking of another one I have been working on for ten years.  There are so many elements on that canvas, that I am having a difficult time bringing them all together, but like some other works, this one won't be covered and re-started. 

I always know when the point is reached that the painting will be finished and finished well, with nothing left to do.  I feel that this will happen soon, and I am excited about the completion. 

For three weeks I have not been well, but well enough to sit and paint.  There is a positive in every circumstance, and the work I was albe to do is the bright spot, in an other wise uncomfortable physical condition.  Here's to feeling better tomorrow and seeing new images that I will transfer to canvas.  Life is good, and I am grateful for every moment. 

The stairs lead to my studio in